trying not to squint

weird feelings in my heart.
ones that i can't explain,
i'd rather keep them in the dark.
ones i don't have words for, 
and if i could find them, 
i don't know that i could find the courage to speak them.


somewhere, floating in a sea of suicide and self-loathing,
of tiny joys and fake smiles, 
of loneliness and just getting by.
treading water, i look for You. where are You?
these are the moments i need to see You in...
but i don't.


instead, i see pain, regret, confusion, 
misery, jealousy,
sin, sin, and more sin.
i see secrets that build walls
and break hearts in two.
i see thousands of moments
and hundreds of humans, 
swimming in this sea of sin alongside me.
but i'm completely alone.
where are You?


suddenly, i notice their eyes, clenched shut.
not a single ray could have reached those pupils.
in my wide-eyed state, i realize that You are here.
and it is by You that i see the pool, lake, ocean of sin 
we are all swimming in.
it's my wide open eyes, 
the ones that burn with pent up tears, 
those eyes let me see it all,
but it is You, 
You who i am so desperately searching for,
who make it all visible.


they are blind by choice, 
conforming to the waves of sin,
the gentle current that turns into the tight grip of a rip tide.
swim along it! 
i want to scream.
swim along it...
and get out.


but i fight my own battles with this sin-sea.
i tread water,
viciously paddling away from visible currents, 
only to have my legs pulled out from under me,
the water pulling, yanking, tearing me deeper.


below the surface, i no longer see You,
nor can i see by You.
i simply don't see.
there is no light, no reason to open my eyes.
i have no eyes to truly open.
but the longing for Light, for You, kicks in...
and the fight begins.
i push up towards the surface, 
waiting for the warmth to hit my face.
as i wrestle out of the grip of the ocean's depths,
i am restored by Your presence...
and drawn to Your radiance. 
so much glory to take in...


i lay on my back, 
floating and soaking up rays of You,
watching for rip tides and pray against darkness,
against losing sight,
against the sin that lies beneath the surface.
i pray and watch...
and i try not to squint as You beam down on me.