I find myself asking my campers daily, "Whose title has 'leader' in it? Yours or mine?" I don't ask them this to be rude. It's usually a joking reaction to a few of them trying to lead the line when they don't know where we are going or when they try to tell me what I should do. Their reaction is usually giggles and a chorus of "You, Miss Anna!" I usually don't understand why they want to lead so badly. I know what is going on. I know the big picture. I can see what needs to be done to keep them safe and happy.
On Wednesday nights in worship, we sing "Lead me to the Cross." I'll be honest: I led worship in high school and we sang this song all the time. It's just kinda over played to me. That being said, don't think that I'm hard-hearted when I say...it didn't mean much to me at the beginning of the summer. I would sing it and I would mean it...sort of. Even in the few weeks where it was really rough, I just didn't think about it. I just sang about the cross and love and blood and it was nothing, really.
Until two weeks ago, when I really listened to the lines before the chorus: "Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss." Really? Everything? My heart was broken as I realized that I was, once again, focusing on myself and my relationship and my wants before I considered His plan. So, I let go. If I held it dear, if I loved it, I gave it over. I let Him lead. And why hadn't I before? He knows what is going on. He knows the big picture. He can see what needs to be done to keep me safe and happy. He has a plan, a plan that I don't know (though He recently revealed a major part of it to me, a scary, exciting part that I'm not ready to blog about.)
And you know, after I gave it all over to Him...things got better. Relationships got better. My love for people grew bigger. His voice got louder. My heart got peace that I haven't had in a long time...and I finally have direction. Hallelujah.