I often end up envious of that girl who seems to be able to do everything. She has a 4.0. She is never stressed. She is a leader in her sorority or club. She mentors younger girls. She is a small group leader at church. She makes crafts and gives them away. She has a daily quiet time with the Lord. She is always smiling. She is the Jill-of-All-Trades.
On the other hand, I am the kind of Jill-of-All-Trades you do not want to be. Rather than dabbling in all of these edifying and encouraging options, I am constantly dabbling in different areas of sin. One day, I'm terribly greedy, wanting to hoard all of my friends to myself. I'm envious of others' success. I'm jealous of friends who have what I want. I lust. I waste time. I put myself first. I gossip. I lie. It's almost like I find sin...and then I wallow in it, like a pig in the mud.
I do all of these things on a daily basis.
And I ignore the convictions in my heart.
But suddenly tonight, the one night that I was determined to fall asleep early, I found myself in the midst of obvious sin....and I was greatly convicted. So convicted that I felt like I needed to shower to somehow get the sin off of me before I could even process the matter.
But, sitting here in my bed, I am reminded of a quote that speaks to this conviction in my heart: “Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.” John Newton spoke my heart more concisely than I ever could. I am a mess. A huge mess, both inside my heart and outside...but the Lord has saved me from my mess. He has whitewashed the sin out of my heart, and replaced it with a rich ground for the Fruits of the Spirit to grow out of. And even now, as I feel the weeds of sin growing in me once again, in my conviction and confession, He is gently removing them, root by root, and smoothing the dirt over so that I can start anew.
I am so very thankful to serve a great Savior, a Savior who so willingly loves me, even in the midst of my mess. Even when my brain is screaming the lies that depression causes...even when I cannot seem to shake a sin out of my life...even when I forget to ask for direction...He lovingly leads me, and I am never alone.