A Sinful Jill-of-All-Trades.

I often end up envious of that girl who seems to be able to do everything. She has a 4.0. She is never stressed. She is a leader in her sorority or club. She mentors younger girls. She is a small group leader at church. She makes crafts and gives them away. She has a daily quiet time with the Lord. She is always smiling. She is the Jill-of-All-Trades.
On the other hand, I am the kind of Jill-of-All-Trades you do not want to be. Rather than dabbling in all of these edifying and encouraging options, I am constantly dabbling in different areas of sin. One day, I'm terribly greedy, wanting to hoard all of my friends to myself. I'm envious of others' success. I'm jealous of friends who have what I want. I lust. I waste time. I put myself first. I gossip. I lie. It's almost like I find sin...and then I wallow in it, like a pig in the mud.
I do all of these things on a daily basis.
And I ignore the convictions in my heart. 
But suddenly tonight, the one night that I was determined to fall asleep early, I found myself in the midst of obvious sin....and I was greatly convicted. So convicted that I felt like I needed to shower to somehow get the sin off of me before I could even process the matter. 
But, sitting here in my bed, I am reminded of a quote that speaks to this conviction in my heart: “Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”  John Newton spoke my heart more concisely than I ever could. I am a mess. A huge mess, both inside my heart and outside...but the Lord has saved me from my mess. He has whitewashed the sin out of my heart, and replaced it with a rich ground for the Fruits of the Spirit to grow out of. And even now, as I feel the weeds of sin growing in me once again, in my conviction and confession, He is gently removing them, root by root, and smoothing the dirt over so that I can start anew. 
I am so very thankful to serve a great Savior, a Savior who so willingly loves me, even in the midst of my mess. Even when my brain is screaming the lies that depression causes...even when I cannot seem to shake a sin out of my life...even when I forget to ask for direction...He lovingly leads me, and I am never alone.

trying not to squint

weird feelings in my heart.
ones that i can't explain,
i'd rather keep them in the dark.
ones i don't have words for, 
and if i could find them, 
i don't know that i could find the courage to speak them.


somewhere, floating in a sea of suicide and self-loathing,
of tiny joys and fake smiles, 
of loneliness and just getting by.
treading water, i look for You. where are You?
these are the moments i need to see You in...
but i don't.


instead, i see pain, regret, confusion, 
misery, jealousy,
sin, sin, and more sin.
i see secrets that build walls
and break hearts in two.
i see thousands of moments
and hundreds of humans, 
swimming in this sea of sin alongside me.
but i'm completely alone.
where are You?


suddenly, i notice their eyes, clenched shut.
not a single ray could have reached those pupils.
in my wide-eyed state, i realize that You are here.
and it is by You that i see the pool, lake, ocean of sin 
we are all swimming in.
it's my wide open eyes, 
the ones that burn with pent up tears, 
those eyes let me see it all,
but it is You, 
You who i am so desperately searching for,
who make it all visible.


they are blind by choice, 
conforming to the waves of sin,
the gentle current that turns into the tight grip of a rip tide.
swim along it! 
i want to scream.
swim along it...
and get out.


but i fight my own battles with this sin-sea.
i tread water,
viciously paddling away from visible currents, 
only to have my legs pulled out from under me,
the water pulling, yanking, tearing me deeper.


below the surface, i no longer see You,
nor can i see by You.
i simply don't see.
there is no light, no reason to open my eyes.
i have no eyes to truly open.
but the longing for Light, for You, kicks in...
and the fight begins.
i push up towards the surface, 
waiting for the warmth to hit my face.
as i wrestle out of the grip of the ocean's depths,
i am restored by Your presence...
and drawn to Your radiance. 
so much glory to take in...


i lay on my back, 
floating and soaking up rays of You,
watching for rip tides and pray against darkness,
against losing sight,
against the sin that lies beneath the surface.
i pray and watch...
and i try not to squint as You beam down on me.