Bitterness: It'll eat you up.

"Leave it in the darkness, and it festers and gets worse. Confession is opening the door to a dark, stale, dusty room, and inviting the light in to make it fresh and new again." -Lee Wilson

When the wisest man you know speaks, you listen...and you take his advice to heart. There have been many things that Lee has said to me, but this one has stuck with me. I have it saved in my phone, written in my journal, etched in my brain. Lee's wisdom is right, even when I am simply confessing my sins in front of myself and the Lord.

Bitterness has been the big one that I've let fester lately. Without going into too many details, last fall I was hurt very badly by someone I trusted completely...and since then, I've been bitter. Sure, I've bitten back angry words, only speaking my true feelings to those closest to me. I've never spoken ill of her, just expressed my sorrow. But man, have I been completely bitter.

There was a moment this week that I realized just how bitter I was towards her: the moment I rejoiced at her suffering. That's not an easy thing to confess, and I'm definitely not proud of it. But it just clicked for me at that moment. I had let all this yucky, festering sin build up in my heart, and it was changing how I reacted to things.

I can't say that I immediately let go of all the bitter feelings. There is a lot of damage there, and I have to work through that. But I've been brought back to reality. As a Believer, I cannot just sit here in sin and not do anything about it. I must take action, and fight against it with the strength of the Lord.

I wrote in my journal today: "I'm counting on the Gospel to wash away the bitterness in my soul. I need to get into the Word---and into the Light."
I'm praying to be "washed in the water of the Word..." and for that washing to cleanse the mess out of my soul.

A Sinful Jill-of-All-Trades.

I often end up envious of that girl who seems to be able to do everything. She has a 4.0. She is never stressed. She is a leader in her sorority or club. She mentors younger girls. She is a small group leader at church. She makes crafts and gives them away. She has a daily quiet time with the Lord. She is always smiling. She is the Jill-of-All-Trades.
On the other hand, I am the kind of Jill-of-All-Trades you do not want to be. Rather than dabbling in all of these edifying and encouraging options, I am constantly dabbling in different areas of sin. One day, I'm terribly greedy, wanting to hoard all of my friends to myself. I'm envious of others' success. I'm jealous of friends who have what I want. I lust. I waste time. I put myself first. I gossip. I lie. It's almost like I find sin...and then I wallow in it, like a pig in the mud.
I do all of these things on a daily basis.
And I ignore the convictions in my heart. 
But suddenly tonight, the one night that I was determined to fall asleep early, I found myself in the midst of obvious sin....and I was greatly convicted. So convicted that I felt like I needed to shower to somehow get the sin off of me before I could even process the matter. 
But, sitting here in my bed, I am reminded of a quote that speaks to this conviction in my heart: “Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”  John Newton spoke my heart more concisely than I ever could. I am a mess. A huge mess, both inside my heart and outside...but the Lord has saved me from my mess. He has whitewashed the sin out of my heart, and replaced it with a rich ground for the Fruits of the Spirit to grow out of. And even now, as I feel the weeds of sin growing in me once again, in my conviction and confession, He is gently removing them, root by root, and smoothing the dirt over so that I can start anew. 
I am so very thankful to serve a great Savior, a Savior who so willingly loves me, even in the midst of my mess. Even when my brain is screaming the lies that depression causes...even when I cannot seem to shake a sin out of my life...even when I forget to ask for direction...He lovingly leads me, and I am never alone.