Bitterness: It'll eat you up.

"Leave it in the darkness, and it festers and gets worse. Confession is opening the door to a dark, stale, dusty room, and inviting the light in to make it fresh and new again." -Lee Wilson

When the wisest man you know speaks, you listen...and you take his advice to heart. There have been many things that Lee has said to me, but this one has stuck with me. I have it saved in my phone, written in my journal, etched in my brain. Lee's wisdom is right, even when I am simply confessing my sins in front of myself and the Lord.

Bitterness has been the big one that I've let fester lately. Without going into too many details, last fall I was hurt very badly by someone I trusted completely...and since then, I've been bitter. Sure, I've bitten back angry words, only speaking my true feelings to those closest to me. I've never spoken ill of her, just expressed my sorrow. But man, have I been completely bitter.

There was a moment this week that I realized just how bitter I was towards her: the moment I rejoiced at her suffering. That's not an easy thing to confess, and I'm definitely not proud of it. But it just clicked for me at that moment. I had let all this yucky, festering sin build up in my heart, and it was changing how I reacted to things.

I can't say that I immediately let go of all the bitter feelings. There is a lot of damage there, and I have to work through that. But I've been brought back to reality. As a Believer, I cannot just sit here in sin and not do anything about it. I must take action, and fight against it with the strength of the Lord.

I wrote in my journal today: "I'm counting on the Gospel to wash away the bitterness in my soul. I need to get into the Word---and into the Light."
I'm praying to be "washed in the water of the Word..." and for that washing to cleanse the mess out of my soul.

Thankful, yet again.

Today, I am grateful for...
a. surprise friendships. Not that I am ever truly without a friend, but I've hit a lonely spot lately. The Lord is faithful to provide new friends to fill that void. I'm so blessed by those who are close to me, both new and old.
b. clean sheets. I've recently discovered the glories of having one's detergent and fabric softener be the same scent. Tonight's bed is so marvelous, both in scent and softness.
c. hot water. After a few days of illness and a bad headache, there is simply nothing like a hot shower. Even washing my hands with hot water seems to help. I'm so blessed to have hot running water.
d. forgiveness. I've been reminded yet again of my need for forgiveness. The Father is so faithful to wash us clean. I'm amazed at His grace.
e. white. The purity, the classy crispness, the blankness waiting to be filled. I adore it. Seeing white through the eyes of the Gospel is an experience like none other.

It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light.

This truth from Elisabeth Elliot just turned my day right-side-up. It has been a moonless 24 hours...but I am reminded of His provision and constant presence. Hallelujah.

"Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. There is no one to whom you can speak of your need.

Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when, as a missionary of twenty-six, she had to leave Japan because of poor health, then travel to China for recuperation, but then realized God was telling her to go to Ceylon. (All this preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) I have on my desk her original handwritten letter of August 25, 1894, as she was en route to Colombo. "All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey.... On July 28, Saturday, I sailed. We had to come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) where were the dear friends who had come to say goodbye was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines--'And only Heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas.' I couldn't feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas--all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El Shaddai, 'the God who is Enough."'

Let me add my own word of witness to hers and to that of the tens of thousands who have learned that He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light."

All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but to simply obey. 

Adventure.

I'm always thinking about how I want adventure. I long to fly across the ocean to a land I've never been to, and share this Mystery. I want to spin in fields for hours, and explain why I have joy to the farmer who finds me trampling his corn. I crave the crispness of a stream, winding through the forest, and the flowers that spring up beside it. I just want the adventure of the world beneath my feet and a song in my heart.
But, the truth is that I have that already.
When I stop to think about it, I'm in my adventure. I have a map, but it doesn't give me much detail. I'm starting a journey into a land of adulthood that I've never dared to touch before. I am running through fields of dreams that I didn't know were mine, and I'm working harder than ever before to make them real. I see the future laid out before me, and I want to get my passport stamped at every stop.
School. Graduation.
First Apartment. Teaching Job.
Journeyman.
And then what?
Wife? Mother? Teach again? More Missions? Seminary? Masters?

This. This is the adventure that I was created for...This is what I truly crave. This is what the song in my heart is about, this wonderland of passion and purpose. This is why I spin in skirts and skip through fields of cotton. This is why I squeeze through crowds to be closest to the ones I love, why I stop and pick flowers, why I hold every child I can get my hands on. This is my adventure.
I'm not looking for anything better, anything more, anything bigger. This fits my little girl self and my big heart perfectly. I am where I belong. Not this place. Not my room or Union or Jackson or America. But here, in His presence daily, in His plan constantly. This is where I belong.
Yes, some days are really hard and I have to fight to remember that I fit here. Yes, I am sometimes so discouraged while looking at the days ahead. Yes, I often have to pick myself up and start again. But that's the adventure. That's the movement that is life. The colors may change. The seasons may change. My heart may change. But I serve the Unchanging One.
This is my adventure. It is full. It is busy. It is crazy. It is mine.
But more importantly, it is His. It's His adventure that He has carefully laid out. Every spin, every flight, ever flower, every song, every child, every giggle- they are all planned. There is a purpose in each moment. It is simply my choice to see Him in them or to ignore Him and wonder why I feel so alone.
For this adventure is not one that I will every have to make on my own. This adventure means I have an eternal Partner and Provider. What an amazing adventure to be on...