Backed by a Powerful Army in this Battle.

This semester has flown by...and not with a gentle breeze, mind you. I've been caught up in this mighty rushing wind, gusting along through my life and pulling me along with it. I would be lying if I said that I've loved it. There have been many moments that I have enjoyed...and at least as many that I have greatly disliked. I'd be dishonest if I didn't mention that depression has decided to follow me around again. It's even more of a daily battle right now. I'm so grateful for the Lord's faithfulness...for I've found again that He is the only One who will truly remain faithful.
As I face the coming weeks, the work that lies ahead seems daunting. Hours to account for in the form of lesson plans. Minutes to fill with distractions from depressive thoughts. Seconds to tick by while I wish moments away. It's in those moments that contact with the Lord is necessary. He is the Lifeline that I cling to.
Each battle comes with a need for new armor, for the old armor is already dented. New coping mechanisms, new ideas, sometimes new medicine...the latest has required all three. I'm thankful that I have those options, as so many others fight this battle alone.
Alone is something I have often felt lately...but something I'm truly not. God has been gracious...and He has blessed me with an army to back me up. A little group of sophomores that I thought I was taking under my wing has truly taken up my burdens with me, and keeps my sanity close by. In fact, I was just told by one of them, "praying for you as I fall asleep." What a gem he is...and the rest of them as well. I didn't know I would need them, and now that I have them, I don't know what I'd do without their support and encouragement.
Though this is not the joyous update that would seem appropriate to my last semester of college, it is fitting, for the joy that is here is found in Christ. The hope that I have is from the Lord. The love that I know is not from humans, but rather from the Creator. And the human love has been given to me by God Himself as a promise that He will never leave me alone.

The Battle to Get Out of Bed.

There is a certain feeling that comes when I awake in the morning. The desire to stay nested within my blankets wars with the restlessness in my limbs. My arms beg me to stretch them while my toes plead that I keep them warm. I have woken up over 7,850 times in my little life. That equals thousands of mornings that I have felt this fight tear through my brain, heart, and limbs. The alarm goes off and it is like the bugle at the beginning of a battle. Even with the snooze button in action, somewhere deep inside me knows that this rest is short. The battle will begin again soon. I mustn't give in to the sweetness of sleep completely. 


This feeling is very similar to the fight within my soul between my desire for my own will and the will of the Father. It makes me restless and angry, not with anyone besides myself. For I do know that this battle is of my own choosing. I choose which side to fight on. Will I fight for myself, for my own desires, for my own plans? Or will I surrender to the Savior's plan? My heart continues to be torn between both worlds: The Human and the Heavenly. I can feel the tug in both directions. Even in the quiet moments, I know that the war will continue. 


The simple fact is that in both of these battles, I already know the outcome. Yes, I still have to fight, but I know who will win in the end. Every morning, I know that no matter how much I want to sleep, I will have to get out of bed. It may be a few minutes (or hours) later than I planned, but I will get up and I will be happier because of it. Every day, I know that the Lord's plan will always win out in the end. Be it in the little moments like who I spend time with or the big moments like how long I stay at Union, His plan will win. Sometimes it seems to be a heavy burden to know that I can't really affect anything in my life, but it really should set my heart at ease. I'm not in control. He is. I shouldn't be restless. I should be restful. My plans have been exchanged for His perfect plan.


"Right gladly would He free them from their misery, but He knows only one way: He will teach them to be like Himself, meek and lowly, bearing with gladness the yoke of His Father's will. This is the one, the only right, the only possible way of freeing them from their sin, the cause of their unrest." George MacDonald

I can't fight hard enough.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll,
whatever my lot,
Thou has taught me to say:
"It is well. It is well with my soul."

I'm fighting for this to be true in my heart tonight. I can't explain everything that is coursing within my mind, but it's hard. It's a battle. It's a war, and it's definitely one I can't win by myself.

Praise be to God for fighting harder than I ever could.